leilakalomi

I have always wanted to hear 3 little words from my big sister, 3 words people say every day, I will never hear them now. I always wanted to hear my sister say I LOVE YOU. There are those who would say she showed e she loved me many times, and I can not dispute that. She and her family bought me many expensive gifts over the years, and I appreciated them all. BUT I would gladly have given them all back, to hear those 3 little words. I LOVE YOU, is something I wanted her, and needed her to say, just one time. She knew how i felt. I told her every time I spoke to her even the day she died, (but i do not know if she could hear me) that I loved her. I told her many times I needed to hear her say it to me just one time.
The only reason I can think of that she never told me she loved me , was because she did not really feel it. Anyone can buy a gift for someone, it does not have to be motivated by love. There are many other reasons for buying someone something. One could feel sorry for someone if their life was not as good as your own. One may feel guilty for something they did to the other person in the past, or just because they have more money then the recipient. It would have meant so much to me to hear those 3 little words I LOVE YOU from her before she died. Now there is not chance of me ever hearing her say it, and it makes me cry every time I think about the memory lost.
Our brother tried to excuse her never saying it to me. He said we were not brought up that way, that none of us were told we were loved, BUT he is wrong. Our mom told us she loved up many times as does my other sister and he himself. I do not think our other brother said it directly, but he proved he loved me when i was 6 years old, and he did not do it by buying me anything. I had just started school, and my mom had took me to a beauty parlor for a permanent for my first day. The woman at the beauty parlor messed up my hair badly. She left it on too long and my hair was a mess. Kids are cruel, and first day on the bus one of the kids called me little witch, because of my messed up hair. There was a boy on the bus 3 years older then me. He bullied me all the time. More then once I came home crying. My big brother who was 10 years older then me and 7 years older then the bully paid him a visit. According to my sister ( because I was not with him when he did it) my brother paid the bully a visit, and told him what was going to happen if he did not leave his little sister alone. I never did find out the exact words he told the bully, but it worked he left me alone after that. I told that story at my brother's funeral in 2016. Once someone proves to me they love me it is not as important for me to hear it , then it is if they have just thrown gifts at me.
I really needed to hear my sister say she loved me , and now I never will, and I have no idea how I will ever move past the emptiness inside me at her dying without telling me she loved me. I do not know how I will ever stop thinking maybe she did not really love me and all the gifts were for show.
My advice to everyone is IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE TELL THEM YOU LOVE THEM WHILE YOU ARE BOTH STILL ALIVE, because when one of you are dead, it is too late, and all that are left behind are longings and heart ache.
( by the way IF you want to see how I looked in first grade, I put a pic in the photo section on this account. It was my school picture that year , so you need to realize mom had a couple months to try to tame my wild hair down some for the picture. It was much worse the first day) I was so excited about going to school, and then to start getting bullied the very first day kind of took the edge off my happy.

Many people claimb to have friends, but how many really do. If one knows those they call friend, really do not know them. There are many types of friend and all may or may not be true friends. Sometimes your friends will think they are looking out for their friend from some attack you yourself do not see as an attack.
Truth, honesty, and loyalty are all good things to look for in friends. Sometimes your friends may not see all things the same way and may misunderstand things that you see so clearly. The balancing act comes when you try to make a protective friend understand you do not see what another friend actions as something from which you need defending. If you really know your real friends you will imediatly know if their actions are meant to hurt or protect you imediatly upon hearing gaining the knowlage of what they did.
Many people get offended at anything said about them, good, bad, true, or false, they get angry anyone would have the nerve to speak about them. I myself have a different viewpoint that sometimes people do not understand. People may say anything they want about me , as long as it is true, and I take no offence at it. Some of my real,true friends know this about me and have no worries about speaking the truth about me. Other friends do not understand this about me. They think if someone talks about me when I am not therer I should be as mad about the worda as they were to hear them. ???? Those who understand me, know I will take no offence at any true thing they say, and often have said the same things to my face.

If one truelly understands their friends they will always know what their friends will and will not do, no one may ever make you anger at a friend just by telling you something they have heard a friend say about you.

I hate it when you say something to some one then they misunderstand your meaning and when they repeat what you said, they do not repeat WHAT YOU SAID, they quote their interpretation of what they THOUGHT you meant and not what you actually meant or for that matter much of the time not what you were even thinking.
Do any of you remember playing that party game called telephone ? You would make a line and the first person in would tell the next person something. That person would tell it to the next person in the line, and it would continue like that untill the message reached the person at the other end of the line. That person would then tell everyone what massage he received. The vast majority of the time the message received at the end of the line has little resemblance to the message the first person started. This shows that for what ever reason people do not quote things as they were originally stated. Some times the mistakes are made because people just do not hear what was said properly,and do not ask it to be repeated. So they tell what they THOUGHT they heard. Other times it is because most of the human race will hear a set of words spoken by another person and instead of quoting what the first person said in relaying the statement they will relay THEIR OWN INTERPRETATION OF WHAT THEY THOUGH the person who said it meant. The problem with doing this is the person interpreting the message is not inside the head of the person who first said it and there for has no idea of what the originators real thoughts or meanings were. As for myself I always say exactly what I mean and I get cross with people who try to say I meant something I never even thought of when I confront them for paraphrasing what I said into what they THOUGHT I meant.
My brother and I once had a rather heated argument on this exact subject. He said something to me that shocked me, because I could not believe the person he said made the statement would ever say that. I challenged him as to who in my sister's family actually said those words. At that point he admitted no one had actually said those words. To which I fired back well if NO ONE actually said that why are you getting mad about something that was never said? To which he gave me this convoluted rationalization. He said it is like when someone says something you know what they mean. I told him NO you do not unless they tell you what they mean. He then offered an example. He said if I told you if you went outside you would get wet you would know it was raining right? To which i fired back not necessarily there may be someone outside with a hose spraying everyone that came out the door. So then he changed it he said ok if I tell you it is raining outside you will know if you go outside you will get wet right? Again I said not necessarily, if I step out onto a covered porch and it is raining I will not get wet as long as I stay on the porch, but I will still be outside and it will still be raining. At that point I said to him sense no one actually said the thing you got mad about it must have been you YOURSELF who was thinking those thoughts. You are all mad at someone else for something you yourself imagined. At that point he calmed down a bit when he realized I was right and he was mad at out sister's family for something he had created in his own mind and not because of something they said or even thought.
People should stop projecting their interpretations onto others. There would be less fighting in the world if people would hear and understand what is really said to them and not try to make the statements fit things they themselves have in their head. I NEVER imply anything and when someone says I did I get very angry. Fact of the matter is I have very much trouble even understanding things that are implied much less doing it myself. So in closing everyone remember this one thing: hear and quote the words that are actually said NOT what you THINK someone means, and if there is any doubt ask them straight up DID YOU MEAN THIS, and say what you thought they meant. If I am right and they never meant what you thought they did they will sort you out when they realize you misunderstood, and that will save much anger and hurt feelings that did not need to happen.

Today has been a day I wish I could reboot and run in a better manner like one would a computer. The whole day was a mess from start to finish. Lets start with 7:30 am I fell asleep on my couch last night, so that is where I was sleeping when a neighbor from across the street comes over with her cigarette in her hand yelling my name through my open window that I had my fan in, instead of knocking on the door like a normal person. I said hold on I am coming and staggered my half asleep body to the door to see what she needed. She said she did not know I was asleep cause my fan was in the window. I said I always leave it in the window when it is hot. She said with the window open I looked at her surprised ( thinking really would not do much good with the fan if it were closed lol , here's your sign) I thought that I did not say that my mom taught me better manners then to say that lol.
Reason she came is she was upset with another neighbor who ALLEGEDLY threw bread into her yard. I say ALLEGEDLY because when I asked her what time it happened and she told me, I knew it was not possible. First because he is not that kind of guy, and second because at the time she stated he was inside his house chatting with his wife his daughter and me. I told her no way he was inside the house I know cause I was there at that time. I was hoping she would say 6 because we never got home till 7 we had all went shopping, but she said round 8. I told her I do not know what you thought you saw but it was not HIM throwing bread in your yard. She thinks he is predigest which is funny to me, because he has 3 black half brothers-in-law and a part black niece all of which he loves lol. It will never cease to amaze me how many people will try to play that card anytime someone white says of does anything they do not like lol.
I tried to unwind after she left, because I had a doctors appointment later, but the rain moving in did not help that. I am not afraid of the rain but I have issues with the clouds and high winds. My niece was running late to pick me up for my appointment. Which I guess was ok even though I got anxious about being late. Turns out the doc was running late too. Sat in the outer waiting room for like 15 min then sat in the inner waiting room for another 20 till he called me into his office. He had a huge questionnaire about 4 pages long. Took like 2 hrs from the time they took me into the inner waiting room till I got out of the doc office. My niece had an appointment to be at in a half hr from the time I got out of my appointment. She went to pick up some meds for me after her appointment and the drug store told her they did not have them EVEN THOUGH I had talked to them yesterday and they said they were ready. I called the drug store and the meds were there. I was not happy my niece had to get home to make supper so she could not go back today so she is going to get them tomorrow.
About an hr later my neighbor came over in tears. Her Jack Russell terrier is dying. She has had the dog 13 years, and the whole family is in tears. I went over to sit with them a little while, but I really did not know what to say . We have know for about a year the dog was declining in health, and we would have to face losing her, but no one thought it would be this soon. Just a couple days ago I was over at her house and the dog was up and walking around and eating fine. Then today she started shutting down fast. The first bad sign was when the kids came home from school and she did not bark at them. They really did not need this tragedy in the middle of the personal drama they were having this week. I am hoping my friend will shift her attentions away from her dogs death after she is gone, and onto her baby birds. She has 2 brand new baby birds that just hatched this week. Over the summer her birds hatched and raised 8 babies. I told her she had an aviary. She gave part of them to her sister, and now the birds are making more babies lol. If we can keep her focused on them maybe her dog's passing will not be as hard on her as it could be.
Today is one day I wish I could reboot and come out with a better working day. Would it not be awesome to have that ability. Only problem with that is if you rebooted your day it theoretically would reboot EVERYONE else's and some people may not like that if they were having the best day of their lives lol.
Thank you all for listening to the ramblings of my over stressed brain.

I have been thinking about the people around me a lot lately and I am wondering is emotional instability something that is built into each person that exhibits it, or is it possible that emotional instability is something that can be transmuted from one person to another?
I walked into a room today and when I went in myself and all those who were already there were happy and having a good time. Then another friend joined us. In less then 10 minutes the mood of everyone had deteriorated greatly. The last person to join the group threw a hissy fit and left the room, but only after upsetting myself. My mood change then upset another friend and he and I had an argument, which in turn upset another friend who does not like it when her friends fight. It was not long until we had all separated into different directions.
Having removing myself from the area I am now calming down. I just wonder if being near someone in a bad mood will cause their emotions to effect the emotions or those around them and cause a room full of instability.
Any thoughts I on this idea? I would be interested in hearing them.